Can't I be Loving?

I have been feeling in need of a bit of spiritual guidence in my life lately. A force to tell me how to dig deep to find some compassion for people who need it. I want to be the kind of person who buys flowers for the girl who dislikes me, say something kind to the girl who needs a kind word, feel love and compassion for her.

But...I'm a Mytyr:

a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

I always want to say "where is the compassion for me??" "She treats me terrible" "I did this nice thing for her and did I get a thanks?"

Why do I need recognition from others that I was mistreated? Why do I need recognition for a good deed? This defectual part of my charactor needs to go! I want to be a sweet loving person. Damn it. I'm gonna keep trying.

Let me know if you have advice for my sick soul!

Growing Up & Forgiveness

I am engaged to be married....for the 2nd. time, there I've said it! The beast is out, the one that I feel shame about, why I don't know!! I have been married before!

I try to view my first marriage as a learning process. I don't want to blame him for the rest of my life, for ruining my "happy ever after" that every girl dreams about starting from the toddler years, so I am forced to put his faults aside and find something good to take with me into the future. Here is the brief: I married young and for the wrong reasons. I married for convenience, really, because if we didn't marry I would have to move out because he had 2 little girls, and some baby mama drama. So like any sane 19 year old, ha ha, I agreed to this marriage. Coming from a family where the divorce of my mother and father was very un-pretty, I was disgustingly determined that this was going to work. The person I thought I was marrying was not what I got! Duh?? Our first visit to NH to see my mother and stepfather turned into me learning an awesome side to this person. My mother, who had recently had a major surgery, was on painkillers which my new awesome husband helped himself to, he faked an extreme ear ache to go to the local ER to get pills. When we returned from the trip, I started to see more sketchy behavior, empty pill bottles hidden here and there, strange emergency room bills coming in the mail... Reality started to set in.... I had married a using drug addict. When I started seeing the lies he told, the money he stole, his lack of commitment to our family, neighbors missing tools etc, I tried many different methods to control the situation. I tried: swearing, degrading him, yelling, ignoring him, supporting him in getting help, being his friend, threatening to leave, staying with a friend so he could get it together, getting his family involved, but he could not get it together so I had to start accepting this was not going to change. I worked very hard at finding compassion for this sick person. After 3 years of the beast of a marriage, I had to call it quits, I new in my heart that a greater force had a better plan for me. In November of that 3rd year, I was contemplating divorce and I saw a shooting star, my answer. So in December of that year, we had out last anniversary dinner and talked about throwing in the towel, he couldn't change for me and I was unwilling to continue on an unsatisfying path. I moved out later that month and have been split up for 3 years now and divorced for 2.5 years. My life really began then.....

So, what I have learned about myself is that I'm worth more then lies. I am a loving, trustworthy women, a good friend, a patient partner. I am capable of forgiveness, compassion and understanding. I can move away from that time in my life without feeling ashamed, because of the lessons I learned in communicating, patience, and bits of forgiveness that come every day. I can love someone and trust someone and have it returned to me ten fold.

I guess that time in my life taught me how to grow up...so I'm grateful.

Pain, Calling Myself Out

Yesterday had a few pretty painful moments in it. I really am forced to "let go, let god"....talk about barf.

Maybe my expectations are too high for others and then I'm disappointed when they don't meet them. How to handle that ego doosy? Well, its been my experience that if you can clearly look at a situation, without lying to yourself, and see your part clearly(mine being an extreme lack of compassion for others pain, since my own is more important, duh?), maybe the other persons behavior really has nothing to do with you, and this is your chance to show compassion for the one acting out, the one acting on the pain and not looking within to find the hollow. Damn that one is hard to do! Its much easier, although a lot let satisfying in the end, to be the victim of anothers dramatic proclamations. So I guess that today I will search to my toes for some compassion for people in my life that are so god damn hard to love sometimes. Relationships are worth it. I'm not quiting my friends for nothing but I do want to rant and rave till I feel that love again from behind the rib cage....I'm allowed to be human and bitch a little...its ONLY TEMPORARY, as someone once told me.

Friends Make Time for Each Other....Right?

I keep seeing with my friends and people around me take for granted the time that in my opinion should be valued. I find it sad that my "friends" refuse to keep a date, or even make a date? But claim to love me....hmm...or am I just selfish? I don't know. Its such a fine line between being self centered and the issue really being the other persons issue! Damn it, there should be a book on this shit! Is it our culture? Is it because as you grow older you grow apart? Is there an underlying resentment that no one is discussing? I ponder these things and try to make sure I am not harboring and manifesting a tricky little resentment about this. Geez....growing up is sooo hard. I cherish the moments I "want" with my friends, you know the pretty spot of tea you make up in your head, but do I make an effort with them either? This is getting thick! Hold onto you knives and have bite of that doughnut dough baby. Shit :-)

Accepting Others Awesome Behavior

Not having control of another persons behavior can be pretty freaking irritating. I mean, do you really need the world to revolve around you so damn often? I really would love to figure out how to completely let go of my own control issues, you know, since me getting so irritated at anothers behavior that is ruins a precious hour of my life, is kinda a control issue on my part??? What the hell. Funny stuff, this life thing. Really though, a hot shower, some snuggle time with my family and a toasted blueberry muffin, cures all. If only others used that tactic to cure their, "you can find me in the closet" attitudes....god speaks through blueberry muffins, thats all I know....

I'll start light....

I will introduce myself:
Kayla
26
I think: I'm fun, silly, smart, open to learning new things.

I am: Educated, bachelors in Business Management, Minor Accounting
Work: A/P, A/R, CSR etc.

I want to write a blog because I love writing and find it hard these days to sit down with an actual pen and paper.

I hope you enjoy it and feel free to comment! I would love some feedback!!