Could it be?

Could it be?
Could it be I don't know what to beleive in...here we go again...What god is the right god? I think they are all real, if you beleive it and its based on faith, then they are all real...? Right? So who am I talking to when I prey? I guess whoever is out there in the universe that is listening...

A Married Old Women?

Well I am officially married! June 4, 2011...wow what a day! I'll write more soon. I promise.

Love,
An Old Bag of a Women, Married....

Why Does My Job or Lack There Of Define Me?

Why does my day job define me as a person? I am struggling with this because last week I got laid off.

All my life I have worked to be "someone" and my job I had helped define me. It was an 8:30-5, Monday-Friday grownup job that I could tell people about when they said, "tell me about you" I could tell them all about the responsibilities and hardships and people I worked with and it made me feel important...Now what?

I would like to have alot more to say about me when people ask, because in the famous words of Tyler Durdan "You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world"

So from this point on, I will (when I get a new job) not use my job to define me. I am alot more then a stupid job in a stupid office, dealing with stupid customers!

I'm a Human and I'm Not Going to Tell You Again!! Damn it.

I don't want to have to explain to other people that I'm a human. I have feelings, even though they may be silly, dumb, outrageous, ingenious, ridiculous, crazy, jealous, happy, insecure, neurotic, obsessive...Need I go on?? My favorite thing is when someone doesn't understand your feeling and so you get the eye roll, I mean, who would think a human being would posses all these feelings??? "How dare you tell me about your feeling, what are you.....a....a...human...ewe, how weird." Then the whispering starts, "did you see her...the one with two eyes and 2 ears, I think she is one of those humans with those feelings"!  

If I feel any one of the above feelings, its because I'm a human being and suffer from human being defectiveness. Its ok for me to have occasional silly, dumb, outrageous, ingenious, ridiculous, crazy, jealous, happy, insecure, neurotic, obsessive feelings! Happy feelings are most prevalent and for that I am grateful, even though some other human beings are not ok with you being happy all the time either.....so let me remind you I'm a Human and I'm Not Going to Tell You Again!! Damn it. 

A summer meal that makes me feel at home....

Summer Vegi Stew:

2 tbp olive oil
1 Diced Onion
1 28oz can of diced tomatos
1/2 Tsp fresh garlic
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper
1 tsp italian seasoning
2 diced med potatos peeled
1 Carrot cut in slices
1 zuchini sliced to moon shape
1 yellow squach cut to moon shape
1/2 tub of fresh mushrooms halved

1 Small can of sweet corn
1 can of chick peas
2 Tablespoons of suger(cuts out acid from tomatos and makes it easier on the belly)
cauliflower is optional or whatever vegis you like
1/4 cup of tomato juice is also optional

In a pot, heat on med high oil, add onions and garlic and cook till done. Add tomatos and 1-1/2 cups of water, crushed red pepper and itallian seasoning. Boil for 5 min (add a bit more water if needed)

Add Carrots and Potatos, boil for 5-10 min or until carrots and potatos are tender (not to soft tho)

Add zuchinni, squash and mushrooms and optional cauliflower, boil for 5 min or until tender

Add 1 can of drained chick peas and suger, boil for 5-10 min.  ENJOY

Let me know how you like it!

Is It Just Human or Defectual?

Feeling a bit insecure. The question I ask myself; is it just me being human or is this a defectual part of my being? For most people I think its human nature, to feel a little insecure, less then, for a moment and then snap back to reality of "Hey I'm a strong, successful, independent women, I'm ok with me"! I am so glad I don't feel this way very often. I think if insecurity is a defectual part of your nature then you would bask in the mind f***ing that comes along with feelings of a victim of life. The poor me. The jealousy that runs paralel to insecurity. The Jealousy that runs parelel to being a victim of life. I guess its all about choices. Each day we wake up we have to ask ourselves, "What am I worth to myself today"? For me, I worth getting up to the birds of spring chriping, to the sun shining, to a long hot shower, clean clothes, fresh coffee and a great job. I get to chat with my friends on my long drive to work, listen to the morning show, come home to a family thats all mine and just live. Thats what its all about, this life thing. Enjoying and soaking up all the good and leaving behind the negative forces of human nature. Moving into a place of love and acceptance for me. Finding the love for myself on the inside. Peaceful.

Is Everyone Birthing Baby Calves?

I know...let me count.....7?? Women who are having babies! Holy Jesus, get the manger ready!! I guess its my age?? Everyone is about at that point in life to have a family. I want one of those! All I can think of these days is, crap, when can I make time to clean my house??? Wedding planning has taken over my life....I dream it, day dream it and do it ALL DAY LONG!!! My gosh....So after the wedding we are going off the Birth Control...so I better get my house in order so i feel like I have it together! The simple task of cleaning the house makes me feel so grounded and complete.....no I won't do your house :-) Really though...me raising a child???...I have this vision of slow days.....gardening with my little girl....having a quiet picnic under the trees with the warm sun on my back....telling her how water makes the earth moist and gives the plants and trees nutrients to grow...then the plant grow and spout leaves and sometimes fruit and then we can eat it....ahhhh....a nice dinner later that evening....I can picture it so clearly...um back to reality...I have to work, kids have school, sports, arts, there is crying and naughty boys and girls! I think I'll still be ok...as long as I get my dream visions occasionally! I laugh heartily.....

Excitement for the things to come in 2011 and that have been in 2010

Looking back: over the past year I have become overwhelmed with how awesome I really do have it. I mean, a great, flexible job....a beautiful home with my fiance and soom to be step daughter...wow. I am so freaking grateful.

I am glad that I don't have to pretend life is good. I am glad by fiance is REALLY awesome. I love to go home and put the music in the kitchen on and live, really live...clean, cook, relax.....dance around. It all feels really nice. Don't get me wrong....there have been alot of growing points in the last year, you know, the ones where we have disgusting and horrable feelings about people and things going on?? ewe. right? you know, the curl up in your closet so you don't hurt anyone?? I'm silly... But overall the year was really nice and it feels good to be growing up and growing into me and to be able to look back on the harder times(i'm being dramatic, because there really were not alot of closet moments, praise jesus) and know that its just LIFE, no big deal....

So christmas is over and I am sooo looking forward: Zoey starting dance class in January, to my wedding dress coming in the mail in February...booking my honeymoon to Montego Bay....to my bridal shower in April....continuing to build relationships with my family and friends involved in the wedding...making babies.....yep....babies to come....we are going to let nature take its course come June....

What an awesome, awesome new year to come! Bring on 2011

Can't I be Loving?

I have been feeling in need of a bit of spiritual guidence in my life lately. A force to tell me how to dig deep to find some compassion for people who need it. I want to be the kind of person who buys flowers for the girl who dislikes me, say something kind to the girl who needs a kind word, feel love and compassion for her.

But...I'm a Mytyr:

a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

I always want to say "where is the compassion for me??" "She treats me terrible" "I did this nice thing for her and did I get a thanks?"

Why do I need recognition from others that I was mistreated? Why do I need recognition for a good deed? This defectual part of my charactor needs to go! I want to be a sweet loving person. Damn it. I'm gonna keep trying.

Let me know if you have advice for my sick soul!

Growing Up & Forgiveness

I am engaged to be married....for the 2nd. time, there I've said it! The beast is out, the one that I feel shame about, why I don't know!! I have been married before!

I try to view my first marriage as a learning process. I don't want to blame him for the rest of my life, for ruining my "happy ever after" that every girl dreams about starting from the toddler years, so I am forced to put his faults aside and find something good to take with me into the future. Here is the brief: I married young and for the wrong reasons. I married for convenience, really, because if we didn't marry I would have to move out because he had 2 little girls, and some baby mama drama. So like any sane 19 year old, ha ha, I agreed to this marriage. Coming from a family where the divorce of my mother and father was very un-pretty, I was disgustingly determined that this was going to work. The person I thought I was marrying was not what I got! Duh?? Our first visit to NH to see my mother and stepfather turned into me learning an awesome side to this person. My mother, who had recently had a major surgery, was on painkillers which my new awesome husband helped himself to, he faked an extreme ear ache to go to the local ER to get pills. When we returned from the trip, I started to see more sketchy behavior, empty pill bottles hidden here and there, strange emergency room bills coming in the mail... Reality started to set in.... I had married a using drug addict. When I started seeing the lies he told, the money he stole, his lack of commitment to our family, neighbors missing tools etc, I tried many different methods to control the situation. I tried: swearing, degrading him, yelling, ignoring him, supporting him in getting help, being his friend, threatening to leave, staying with a friend so he could get it together, getting his family involved, but he could not get it together so I had to start accepting this was not going to change. I worked very hard at finding compassion for this sick person. After 3 years of the beast of a marriage, I had to call it quits, I new in my heart that a greater force had a better plan for me. In November of that 3rd year, I was contemplating divorce and I saw a shooting star, my answer. So in December of that year, we had out last anniversary dinner and talked about throwing in the towel, he couldn't change for me and I was unwilling to continue on an unsatisfying path. I moved out later that month and have been split up for 3 years now and divorced for 2.5 years. My life really began then.....

So, what I have learned about myself is that I'm worth more then lies. I am a loving, trustworthy women, a good friend, a patient partner. I am capable of forgiveness, compassion and understanding. I can move away from that time in my life without feeling ashamed, because of the lessons I learned in communicating, patience, and bits of forgiveness that come every day. I can love someone and trust someone and have it returned to me ten fold.

I guess that time in my life taught me how to grow up...so I'm grateful.

Pain, Calling Myself Out

Yesterday had a few pretty painful moments in it. I really am forced to "let go, let god"....talk about barf.

Maybe my expectations are too high for others and then I'm disappointed when they don't meet them. How to handle that ego doosy? Well, its been my experience that if you can clearly look at a situation, without lying to yourself, and see your part clearly(mine being an extreme lack of compassion for others pain, since my own is more important, duh?), maybe the other persons behavior really has nothing to do with you, and this is your chance to show compassion for the one acting out, the one acting on the pain and not looking within to find the hollow. Damn that one is hard to do! Its much easier, although a lot let satisfying in the end, to be the victim of anothers dramatic proclamations. So I guess that today I will search to my toes for some compassion for people in my life that are so god damn hard to love sometimes. Relationships are worth it. I'm not quiting my friends for nothing but I do want to rant and rave till I feel that love again from behind the rib cage....I'm allowed to be human and bitch a little...its ONLY TEMPORARY, as someone once told me.

Friends Make Time for Each Other....Right?

I keep seeing with my friends and people around me take for granted the time that in my opinion should be valued. I find it sad that my "friends" refuse to keep a date, or even make a date? But claim to love me....hmm...or am I just selfish? I don't know. Its such a fine line between being self centered and the issue really being the other persons issue! Damn it, there should be a book on this shit! Is it our culture? Is it because as you grow older you grow apart? Is there an underlying resentment that no one is discussing? I ponder these things and try to make sure I am not harboring and manifesting a tricky little resentment about this. Geez....growing up is sooo hard. I cherish the moments I "want" with my friends, you know the pretty spot of tea you make up in your head, but do I make an effort with them either? This is getting thick! Hold onto you knives and have bite of that doughnut dough baby. Shit :-)

Accepting Others Awesome Behavior

Not having control of another persons behavior can be pretty freaking irritating. I mean, do you really need the world to revolve around you so damn often? I really would love to figure out how to completely let go of my own control issues, you know, since me getting so irritated at anothers behavior that is ruins a precious hour of my life, is kinda a control issue on my part??? What the hell. Funny stuff, this life thing. Really though, a hot shower, some snuggle time with my family and a toasted blueberry muffin, cures all. If only others used that tactic to cure their, "you can find me in the closet" attitudes....god speaks through blueberry muffins, thats all I know....

I'll start light....

I will introduce myself:
Kayla
26
I think: I'm fun, silly, smart, open to learning new things.

I am: Educated, bachelors in Business Management, Minor Accounting
Work: A/P, A/R, CSR etc.

I want to write a blog because I love writing and find it hard these days to sit down with an actual pen and paper.

I hope you enjoy it and feel free to comment! I would love some feedback!!